How beautiful it is that we have made it through the winter months and have now turned a corner towards spring. It’s amazing how even in Costa Rica there are still seasons even though there is no snow. The rainy season, which starts here in May and culminates in the grand finale of thunderstorms and torrential downpours everyday through the month of November, gives the feeling of wanting to be inside and snuggling up and going within, just as it does wherever there is cold and snow in the world. The trees shed leaves here too, so there is a form of “Fall” characterized by the falling of the leaves. Everything goes in cycles and it’s important that we acknowledge those cycles and how they affect our mind, body, and spirit. One of the things that we discussed in the March blog post was taking time to go within and nourish ourselves to build energy in preparation for the blossoming of spring energy, which then requires us to step outside into the light and grow. This month I’m sharing with you about my silent retreat experience, which was buffered by several days of vacation time to allow myself to restore and rejuvenate, and to step into spring with all the energy I need to support my current clients, and you! My mission is to inspire and empower you towards greater health. When your goal is to be an inspiration, you must act in alignment with what you preach. It’s absolutely critical for me because authenticity, truth, and integrity are all a part of my core values. I also believe it is required for me to be the best practitioner that I can be.
I will say one thing: for those of you who think that going on a silent retreat is a vacation, it is not. It is actually work, and I will remember that the next time I’m doing this. I was disillusioned and thought it would be a time of rest, but in actuality it was a time of learning and great intention, which required focus and surrender. It is simple, but it’s not easy…and it sure as hell requires energy!
Leading up to my silent retreat, I was very excited and confident in my ability to enjoy time in silence and solitude. However, just a few hours before I was ready to drive to my remote location and be alone with myself, I began to experience anxiety. This was a different type of anxiety than what I’m familiar with. I started to feel a tightness in my chest and my heart was pounding. The thought of not having anyone to speak with for 3 days and being totally disconnected from music, movies, and sound in any way, became scary. How am I not going to talk for 3 days? What am I going to do? I also had committed to not writing. My one saving grace was that I was allowing myself to bring a set of markers and colored pencils so that I could express myself through art. I arrived at my place at about 10:00 at night after enjoying a delicious meal of sushi with a new friend. I also was able to indulge in some vegan chocolate cake and a cocktail, which felt like a nice way to enter into my time of silence. It was dark and the cabin, which sat atop a hillside overlooking the ocean, was a good 15 minutes into the forest driving on bumpy dirt roads with no lights. Fortunately there was wifi so I could finalize any details before going to bed and waking up the next morning completely disconnected. I don’t know of a time in my life where I went for 3 days without speaking, listening to music or watching a television show, or writing! I don’t think since the day I spoke my first word, or for that matter even before that as an infant, that I was completely silent for 3 days. Now I will confess during my retreat I did laugh out loud a few times thinking about things. And I did speak to a few insects that I was saving as I was ushering them with a tissue to the outside about how cute they were, or saying “hello” to the large bumblebee that visited me on day 1, or the iguanas that I fed daily who came to visit. Yes, I probably spoke 5 words during those 3 days by accident… On the first day, I also comforted myself with a little bit of humming, but only for a moment. I embarked on this journey so that I could connect with myself because as we all do with the distractions in our lives, I had become very disconnected. I coach people to heal themselves through listening to their body and to their inner voice, and I had gotten away from that. It was time for me to reclaim my power and connect with me again, and to truly listen. It’s funny, it’s called a “silent retreat” but I think it should be called “one really long conversation with yourself”, because my mind didn’t shut off for the first 2 days. What happens when you take away all of the distractions? Everything that you’ve been shoving down and ignoring, and haven’t had time to get to, all of the problems that you haven’t solved yet, come up. I meditated for an hour in the morning and an hour at night, and by Day 3 had added another hour in the middle of the day. I struggled to silence my brain on the first two days. It was a different experience than meditating in the middle of the day in my apartment, or in the mornings when I wake up in my home because I know I can expect interaction and distraction. But here in this space, I knew there would be none. It was just me, myself, and I. Mind, body, and spirit. And we had all the time in the world. My mind was occupied by many repeated thoughts, but I allowed them to flow through, and I allowed myself to feel what I needed to feel. I allowed myself to cry. I allowed myself to listen.
I prepared 3 meals a day with food that I had brought with me. This place had no air conditioning and the afternoon sun was very hot. On Day 1 I went down to the water where there was a guard who watched the protected land of this particular beach area. A ranger station of sorts. He came walking towards me to speak and I held up my little sign I had prepared: “estoy en retiro de silencio”. I am in silent retreat. And he glanced at me and smiled, waved, turned around and walked back to the ranger station. I spent all morning on the beach, walking, splashing in the water, and fell asleep in the sun without sunscreen. I made it back to the house around noon and realized that I had burned myself pretty badly here only 6 degrees north of the equator. AND that I had forgotten to pack sunscreen and so wouldn’t have any for the next 2 days of time that I wanted to be spending in and near the water. The next day I went out early in the morning and late in the afternoon before the sun was too strong. Fortunately I had packed bathing suits that were of different shapes and coverages so I was able to cover much of my burn area, and cover myself with a shawl and a hat. My skin was so dry I used plain yogurt as a mask to soothe it, since I also hadn’t brought any aloe or body lotion. It is important to prepare when you’re embarking on a journey that requires you to have no interaction with the outside world. I allowed myself to shop for some fun and healthy foods at the local grocery store, including a special treat of Fig Newtons which made a nice afternoon snack and treat (not a healthy snack).
By Day 3 my mind started to quiet. I began to wish that my Silent Retreat was not coming to an end, and now I began to experience anxiety about returning to the real world. I didn’t want to speak. It felt so good to be quiet and to just listen to the sounds of nature and to finally start to experience some silence and rest inside my heart and mind. With a daily practice of meditation, you can achieve these moments on a regular basis, yet I myself practice a daily meditation routine and still had all this kinetic energy inside of me that needed to be released. Emotions that needed to be processed. Awarenesses that needed to be had. Learnings to be accepted. And faith to be rebuilt. I am certain my silent retreat was not perfect, but it was my first one, and I did it on my own. Once I returned, I searched online about silent retreats and found a listing of ones that are happening all over the world, in different countries for different amounts of time, with groups that you can participate with. This type of silent retreat looks like fun and I may try it in the future, but I liked doing it on my own. Finding a place only 2 kilometers from where I live, where I could be in complete solitude. My grandparents asked me, “well what does someone do to get in touch with you?”, and i said “nothing, because i’m unreachable for 3 days.” What a concept! In our busy lives we are so used to just being able to contact someone whenever we want, and to be contacted easily and readily. With cell phones we are never disconnected now. It’s a constant stream of interaction and I do believe it is important to allow our nervous systems, our hearts, and our minds a reprieve from this. I have not implemented a weekly unplugging practice yet, but I am planning to adopt a form of that, like Shabbat, starting Fridays when the sun goes down until Saturday when the sun goes down. Completely disconnecting from electricity, electronics, and just allowing myself to be. What a gift to give ourselves and our families. In silent retreat, I couldn’t read and I couldn’t write. Again, giving space for complete connection with self. No distractions. I hope that all of you can find time and space to create this for yourself in some way. Whether it’s for an hour or a week. I left my silent retreat knowing the answers to some things that I had been struggling with and disregarding. The medicine of the plants and animals in the air and the ocean helped me to ground and connect with myself. The meditations opened a pathway for me to release and to just be. Upon my return i’ve made changes in my schedule, my choices of how i spend my time and where i put my energy, that are way more healthy and clear. I spend my time supporting people in caring for themselves. As a holistic practitioner, this is my mission and my duty to show up for my clients. And in saying that, it is my duty to show up for myself first so I can be the best practitioner that I can be. So that I can be the best support for others that’s possible and that I’m capable of. We are all caregivers and support others in some way, shape, or form, and we all live in this stream of constant conscious connectedness. Please don’t forget to stop and listen and give yourself space to heal. It is a critical part of preventative care and wellness to help maintain balance and a healthy perspective in life. If you have any questions for me about my silent retreat, please DM me on Instagram or Facebook and I’ll be happy to answer them, and maybe even support you on your own silent retreat journey!