I break my silence of a little over 4 days with these words. I’m dictating into my phone which conveniently I forgot the charger for and now is low on battery power. I can’t lie, I did accidentally speak to some leaf cutter ants that decided to make a trail across the porch. I quickly tried to sweep them away and discourage them from making a path directly in front of the doorway to the house. There were also 2 moments of feeling some sadness and anger that I blurted out a few words, realizing after they escaped my mouth, I’M IN SILENCE! Shhhhhhhhhh. Besides that, I didn’t speak a word. No phone, no watching television, no computer, no music, no wifi, no reading. One year ago I did the same thing but for 3 days, and I knew I wanted to stay longer this time.
My schedule and pocketbook allowed for 4 days this year. Driving into the location, I remembered exactly where I was a year ago driving to my silent retreat. A year ago I was scared and overwhelmed at the thought of being out of touch with society for only 3 days. I was having bouts of anxiety. This year I was ready to start with excitement and ease, aside from the days of hectic preparation in order to disconnect myself from the world. One of the first thoughts I had my first night was, “how egotistical to believe that the world will even hiccup without you for 4 days.” We are here for such a short period of time and then we’re gone! And life goes on just the same. Everyone survives, everything works out. Next year, I’m going to work on the preparation time and letting go of the attachment to the thought of being needed.
In the first hours of silence, many things crossed my mind. “I made it. I’ve come so far in just a year. My knee is doing so much better.” Last year when I walked through the waves here, I remember it was an exercise because I struggled to walk on land. At that point it had been 3 months (including a couple of weeks of not even being able to get out of bed) of dealing with a knee injury. This year I’m strong, able to do yoga, exercise, and walk the beach without even flinching an eye. I was able to sit cross-legged in my meditations whereas last year I had to prop my knee up and sit in a chair, for all of my meditations. Just that in itself was a huge leap forward.
Another thought that crossed my mind the first night… “I want to park myself in front of the ridiculously large television in the living room and veg out!!!” I want to have friends over, and go out to dinner and have a drink! I want to have a “NORMAL” vacation! Why can’t I just do things like a normal person? Why do I have to put rules and regulations on everything? Why do I have to do a silent retreat, when I could be going to the Caribbean coast for my vacation time like regular people? It didn’t take long for the healing to start, self doubt and self criticism. They were the first layers to bubble up.
There is a lot of time for reflection when you’re alone and not speaking. What do you do to fill the time? The phrase that often passed through my mind was “the art of doing nothing.” I see it as a book, or there probably already is a book. Definitely not by Amber Summers! If there is anyone who doesn’t know how to do nothing, it’s me. I’m constantly doing something, whether it’s for enjoyment, work, or out of necessity. Typically you won’t see me laying around resting. This space and time on silent retreat allows me to dabble in the art of doing nothing. What is that, what does it look like? Well, it looks like eating when you’re hungry, sleeping when you’re tired, and lots of thinking, meditation, and staring off into the distance. In Costa Rica, this is referred to as “Paseando”. Meaning sitting and watching the world go by (It literally translates into walking – but I believe it indirectly means, the heart and eyes are walking, but the body is still). The first time I learned about the concept of paseando from my neighbor John, I cried. The thought of sitting in a rocking chair, and doing nothing but taking life and the world into my heart, brought tears to my eyes. I felt a deep longing to experience this and a wild realization that the life I was living, even here in Costa Rica, the land of Pura Vida, was VERY FAR far from this frequency. I set it into my heart and mind that I wanted to experience this and to adopt more of this philosophy into my daily living. One of the main things I did on this retreat was sit, and simply watch the world go by. I watched as the iguanas searched for food and bobbed their heads at one another, I watched coconuts falling from the trees and making a loud thud, waves crashing, tides changing, the clouds rolling in and out, the sun rising and setting, the moon rising and setting, the trees blowing in the breeze, the leaves falling, the birds coming and going.
Other activities included watching the ocean, silent meditation, meditation using a mala (saying the mantra in my mind), yoga and stretching. Sweeping the porches became a moving meditation instead of a to-do task. I also brought a bunch of skin care products and practiced massaging my body daily. For instance, when I got out of the shower here, I would massage all kinds of oils and lotions into my skin. It felt so wonderful, and I thought “why don’t I do this regularly?” Energy and time is the answer, I don’t feel like I have the energy or time when I’m living a life of checklists and tasks. Do you know that life? I’m always rushing and go-go-go-ing. Busy with this, busy with that. There’s no time to stop and rub lotion onto my legs and relax and breathe while I do it. The good news is, energy and time are things you can create more of through intentional thought and action.
In regards to preparing food, I realized today I did not cook once in these last few days. I prepared salads and fresh fruit that I cut up and fresh juices with kale, carrots, apples, celery, turmeric and ginger. But I did not cook, which was really beautiful! It reminded me of Shabbat. A practice that the Jewish culture embraces, a time of rest from sundown on Friday to sundown on Saturday. No electricity, no cooking, no driving, just being with family and being with yourself. I guess this was my own little form of Shabbat. Stepping away from all the busyness to find peace and go inward isn’t always easy. I found that each day I experienced different layers of thoughts and emotions.
Day 1 was a mix of remembering the past, from looking back at where I was a year ago to thoughts such as “I don’t think I’m a very good friend.” Some thoughts of self-judgment. Day 2 was “shoulda, coulda, wouldas.” Woke up with that pretty hardcore. “Shoulda done this, coulda done that. Boy if I had done that differently, how would that have turned out?” Also some beautiful awareness of our seeking to become whole as humans and how this shows up in our lives, particularly when it comes to relationships. (More on this in a future blog!) On day 3 I felt lots of anger and hurt. All types of experiences from the past started to bubble up. There’s nothing to distract you from it! Nothing to block it out. You kind of just have to deal with it as it comes up. Meditate through it. Pray for support and for clarity. Although, that bag of cheese doodles that I bought as my one treat had been staring at me the whole time. I thought “nah I don’t want those, I have fresh fruit, fresh veggies, delicious salad, my Lily’s chocolate bar, I am so happy. I’m set, I don’t need that garbage.”
Well… I didn’t until I did. The third night as I was going through it deeply, I tried to resist eating them. The inner voices battled… “but I bought them to enjoy on retreat!”. “But I have been doing so well, eating so healthy… why ruin it now?!” I subconsciously grabbed the bag, and found myself eating them without even realizing it! Awareness hit me when I took that first bite of cheese doodle. I’m not even kidding you, I realized I was eating them AFTER the first bite. I instantly felt the stress levels in my body go down. This might either sound ridiculous or you may know all too well what I’m talking about. That was the first time that I consciously experienced a shift in my neurological system or my endocrine system, whatever it was. I don’t know if it was a hit of dopamine that came in from eating those carbs and chemicals, but it satiated something in me and it helped me realize how addictive processed foods are to our bodies.
Here I am, a holistic healthcare practitioner, on retreat, taking care of myself, doing such an amazing job, going through an emotional detox, and I had to break down and have an unhealthy snack. And I actually experienced a physiological shift in my body and my mind. It was very interesting, I have never felt that in awareness before. THESE are the kind of things you experience when you go into silence. The small yet significant gifts, the gems that make it all worthwhile and keep you coming back for more. You get really close with your inner thoughts, emotions, and your physiology. On a typical busy day, I would have grabbed that snack bag and just chalked it up to “I had a craving,” and I would have had no clue about the physical feelings my body was experiencing due to the food. I imagine, this is what addiction feels like, and clearly shows me, I have an addiction that is triggered by stress.
On Friday morning, day 4, I woke feeling emotionally better, despite the cheese doodles. I had a wonderful morning. I walked out onto Punta Mala, which is a very large rock formation that goes out into the ocean about 1.5 kilometers at low tide. I made my way onto one of the giant rocks and sat atop and meditated. I watched the fish and the birds. There was a bare throated tiger heron in the water right in front of me and I watched him catch a fish. All the frigate birds and pelicans were just everywhere! There was such an abundance of fish in the ocean. All of the fishermen were having big catches, there were tons of boats in the water, and birds everywhere. You could just feel the abundance and celebration. And then I came back to the house and I wasn’t very hungry. I had some more juice, water, and fiber. I found myself getting tired so I took a nap.
When I woke up, I felt like something had reset inside of my body. The colors outside were brighter and clearer. I felt like I could be ready to re-enter the speaking world. I went down to watch the sunset again over the ocean and connected with my inner voice and asked, “what is the final mantra that I should say on this silent retreat?” What came through was “I accept peace in my heart.”
I accept peace in my heart.
I used my mala and chanted that 108 times (in my mind of course), and each time felt it go deeper and deeper into my soul and integrate as the sun was going down. I realized that it is the opposite of a declaration I made a year ago. Well, it is basically the same thing, but what I declared one year ago was “I no longer choose to suffer”. Those words still included “choose to suffer”, and unfortunately because of that I did not clear the suffering as I experienced firsthand on this retreat. Even in silence with myself with no one else around, all these thoughts came up of events that had passed. Whether it was things that felt like injustices done to me or painful experiences, it’s all continuing to choose to suffer. But by accepting peace in our hearts, we create a force field from within ourselves that goes outward and protects us from any disheartening thoughts and emotions. If we accept peace in our hearts, there’s no room for suffering. There’s no room for anger or hurt. I would even say there’s no room for guilt, shame, or sadness. When we are at peace, we are right with the world. That was my gift from these 4 days, that little drop of wisdom.
I encourage you to go out and seek your inner wisdom. Whether it’s through meditation or silent retreats, do whatever practice that brings you closer to yourself and to your inner voice. It most certainly is a unique journey, in which you don’t know what you’re going to experience. Things just come up, and then you have to deal with them as they do. But it’s quite an adventure and I feel the rewards are great. As I stare at the full moon, finishing up my recording with a whopping 13% left on my phone, I am humbled by the greatness of nature and her continuous bounty of beauty. I am humbled at the insignificance of each of us here, and at the same time the greatest significance. Every time we learn something and we shift our souls towards enlightenment, towards peace, towards awareness, towards truth, towards alignment, we make the world a better place. Aho.
The last attached photo is of the moon setting over the ocean on the final day of my time in Punta Mala. There’s nothing more peaceful than watching the quiet, cool moon disappear over the horizon of a glassy ocean as the sun rises and a new day dawns. Paseando, y purificando el corazón.
